You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
