well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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