I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
