when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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