I smell stomach acid.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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