She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
worst night to have a conscience
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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