ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
