my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
