I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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