I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
