Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
