I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
