I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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