you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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