Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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