dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
