after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
