hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
