now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
