My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
