Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
