She is in my trunk
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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