Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize