There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
