plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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