I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
