Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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