I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
