She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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