someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
