if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
