My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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