please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
