I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
