o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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