Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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