You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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