it's too hot outside to masturbate.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
