OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize