I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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