is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
