I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
