Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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