I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
