Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
