Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
