So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
