My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
