just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
