im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
