I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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