Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
