but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
