tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
