I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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