if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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