I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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