My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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