Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
