my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
