there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
